So it’s Friday, and it has been a weird, busy, and highly productive week. Some days with diabetes are harder than others; some weeks are better than others. This week has been a little rough.
One thing currently happening; I’m still fighting to get a new insulin pump. The process has been frustrating and I’ve been denied four times already. That said, my CDE, doctor and I have worked together to come up with a plan for how to get more documentation and show my insurance company that I really do need this!
The artificial pancreas technology looks AMAZING. It looks like a new life; like one that makes me a little less inconvenient. It looks like I might get a better chance at a normal mid-life; something I was hesitant to even day dream about before now. But here we are, and here is this great opportunity…and here is this insurance company trying to take away the awesome. Sigh. What is with this people?!
That said, I feel it is so important to remember that these individuals that are tasked with telling me no are not really telling me. I let myself get out of control with my emotions a couple of weeks ago about it; I sat in my car and sobbed and screamed and interrupted my parents’ date day with a crazed phone call where I told them I was going to be done with insurance companies and just pay for the damn thing myself.
In that moment, my dad (who is notoriously hyper-focused and driven; much like I was in that moment), shared an important note. “This is not the first fight. It’s not the last fight. They just don’t see it yet. You’re going to need to do a lot more fighting and make some clear decisions you can live with forever here. ”
He didn’t realize it completely, but I needed him to be my voice of reason. I needed him to say it was okay to step back. I needed him and my mom to share that they understood I was doing everything possible and that it was okay for me to refocus, try again, and take the weekend off from the craziness.
They gave me an important gift with that phone call and the ones following. They reminded me that my ability to stay strong, upright, and kind, even in the most frustrating of situations, is one of my best qualities.
Thursday I was sitting in a meeting with a supervisor of mine, who shared that he could “See the leader in me”. I like to think that the leader in me is someone who has bad days, but knows when to step back, take a deep breath, and re-assess the attack.
Today, I had to recognize that I was losing. I had to reassess my attack. I was losing the week. I needed help; managing and trying and problem solving on my own wasn’t as productive, focused, or intelligent as I needed it to be. I pride myself on getting things under control and on keeping myself focused and here I was, all week, fighting blood sugars that could have sent someone to the hospital. They really could’ve sent me to the hospital. Thank goodness for a support system, technology, medication, and some solid math skills that kept that from happening!
But I called the hospital today, requested an appointment, explained that it was really important, and managed to get in with my CDE at the end of the day. Together we problem solved and she helped me figure out what tiny steps I could take to regaining control after having no control for about a week. Tiny steps, but BIG steps in feeling like myself (which I haven’t, in at least week).
One of those steps was admitting that I’m not feeling well and that it’s not my diabetes. Even “normal” people get colds and the flu sometimes; it’s apparently a human thing. I have been trying to power through. I have not allowed myself the space, time, or mental relief of admitting that my body has been getting in the way of me doing and being my best self. I’m always just powering through. I’m forever living the “fake it til you make it” lifestyle that comes from a chronic illness others can’t see. Sometimes I struggle to tell when I “genuinely” am sick and when it’s “just” a diabetes problem. Today, and this week, it turns out it’s a little of both.
I can’t speak for everyone, but I suspect there are a lot of us who don’t feel amazing every day. I suspect most of us carry on and don’t say anything. I assume some of us feel guilty about complaining because there are so many moments we should be thankful for. I hear you folks! I’m with you!
So here’s to a weekend of relaxing, getting some much needed rest, and trying my best to recuperate and regain control of my blood sugars. Happy weekend everyone!