This post was accidentally placed on acmacx.wordpress.com. This is the official site of A.C.Macx…I was simply outsmarted by my blog before this, which is how it ended up on the other blog name I own. My apologies!
This week in many ways was stark, emotionally revealing and enriching in my life. I recognized some patterns and some things about my life that I hadn’t anticipated reckoning with. It was a great experience, but it was an exceptionally challenging one.
Throughout my life I feel like I have always imagined and envisioned multiple versions of what would happen as I aged. Would l live on a sprawling farm or would I own a tiny apartment in the heart of a city? I imagined both. Would I get married young and have a bunch of children or would I wait until I was older, after years of living on my own before getting married and adopting children who desperately need homes? What would my life look like? How would I choose one?
How would I choose one?
Since then, I still imagine and envision what my life will eventually look like. Much of this week was focused on my five year plan, what I’m doing professionally, what my personal life is going to look like, etc. With so many options, there was a lot of talk about my past and what I’ve already managed to do.
So what am I going to do?
I don’t know.
I’m infuriated by the fact that I have to say that I don’t know. There are so many great things, and so many things that I want to change in my life for one direction or another that I am struggling to focus in on one great thing to do. I’m terrified of not having the answers, but I’m fairly confident that I will end up successful in whatever direction I create because somehow I always am. I’m either really lucky, insanely motivated, frighteningly driven, and consistently insane.
I’m exhausted and wish I could pause, pop in another direction and then come back to this at a later time after I’ve seen other potential outcomes. There are daily moments where I’d really like to try something else.
But life is not a VCR, so that is not an option. The whole thing just moves forward and pausing is an imagination gone wild.